After the recent glut of adulterous celebrity husbands, Celia Walden presents a guide as to how a deceived woman should best conduct herself
There is no word for a female cuckold in the Oxford English Dictionary. A man cheated on by his wife becomes emasculated, an object of derision – the victim of a phenomenon which is hilarious by virtue of its (supposed) rarity. But when a man cheats on a woman, is it so commonplace that it doesn’t deserve its own term?
The glut of recent celebrity scandals would have us think so. In the past fortnight alone, Oscar-winner Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, is alleged to have cheated on her with a heavily tattooed glamour model, and Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes have brought their marriage to a close – with sources citing Mendes’s “close friendship” with Rebecca Hall, a young actress, as the cause.
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The philanderer’s pile-up started last December, when Tiger Woods was revealed to have “transgressed” at least a dozen times against his Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren. Then John Terry, the England football captain, prompted by a tabloid exposé, confessed to a fling with a team-mate’s girlfriend. Soon afterwards, singer Cheryl Cole announced that she was leaving her husband Ashley after fresh allegations of his infidelity.
Male adultery, of course, is nothing new, particularly in the celebrity world, but while our female forebears tended to follow an unwritten code (dignity and discretion being paramount) when the unthinkable happened, feminism has muddied the waters. Nowadays, columnists lambast “doormat wives” who take their husbands back (Toni Terry) and victims who profit (Cheryl Cole) alike. So how does a woman survive the affair with style?
“Little has been written about those first few hours or days after you discover your husband’s affair,” says Ruth Houston, author of Is He Cheating on You? “First it’s important to focus on what you shouldn’t do. Most women let fear, anger, hurt or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret.” A reaction etiquette bible, Debrett’s, frowns upon. “Civil and dignified behaviour is usually a sensible approach,” explains adviser, Jo Bryant. “It may sound very British, but family and friends will admire your stoical behaviour. One should avoid public displays of emotion that may embarrass others.”
But isn’t it possible to be vengeful with panache? Who can forget Sally Graham-Moon’s gloriously choreographed retaliation: she cut up her husband’s Savile Row suits, poured white paint over his blue BMW and deposited bottles of his vintage claret on neighbours’ doorsteps? While not exactly civil, the element of calculation did prevent it from seeming either hysterical or undignified.
The same cannot be said of more vicious acts of revenge: Lorena Bobbit, most will agree, went a little too far, while the bags of fertiliser sent by Rachel Royce to the Spectator offices on hearing of her husband Rod Liddle’s affair with the receptionist were neither witty or stylish. Perhaps the act was simply too self-aware, accompanied, as it was, by 2,600-words in the Daily Mail headlined: “My cheating husband Rod, 10 bags of manure and me the bunny boiler. As for the Slapper… she’s welcome to him.”
According to Debrett’s, Royce committed two cardinal sins here: discussing the affair in public, and referring to the other woman – however obliquely (a trend started by Diana, Princess of Wales, when she told Martin Bashir that “there were three of us in this marriage”).
“Be discreet about who you talk to,” counsels Bryant. “Don’t bore casual acquaintances with the sins of your partner. Reserve your bitterest recriminations for close, trustworthy friends; long tales about your situation will soon have you struck off the dinner-party guest list.” Which would condemn Mia Farrow (who accused her husband Woody Allen of molesting their seven-year-old adoptive daughter, Dylan, after he left her for another adoptive daughter, Soon-Yi) and cheating TV presenter Chris Tarrant’s wife Ingrid, who broadcasted his sexual shortcomings on live television – and claiming he often went to bed smelling of fish – to a lifetime of TV meals for one.
Humour, however, can render that rule obsolete. Ivana Trump built a whole repertoire, a brand even, on witticisms concerning her husband Donald’s adultery, starting with the marvellous: “Don’t get mad. Get everything.” Meanwhile Alan Clark’s wife, Caroline Jane, used an array of disparaging one-liners to diffuse her own heartbreak. When details of Clarke’s seduction of a South African judge’s wife and two daughters hit the press, she famously declared: “If you bed people of below-stairs class, they will go to the papers.” Which tells you a lot about her would-be aristocratic husband. “If you are going to speak out,” Debrett’s agrees, “a little humour and self-deprecation may help.”
There are four basic choices available to the cheated wife after the initial hurdles have been gracefully overcome. The most obvious is to take the reinvention route. “This is the time to remind your cheating, lying, waste-of-space husband exactly what a great woman he is in danger of losing,” says author and “infidelity analyst” Sarah Symonds. “Although your self-esteem will be at it’s lowest, never show him that. Even if you don’t feel like it, you must walk around with your head held high under a perfect coiffure, swap the flat shoes for high heels and – if your eyes are puffy from crying – get those 'affair sunglasses’ on, like Cheryl Cole.” First-timers should beware implications (“I understand why you bedded the receptionist: I was a stone and a half overweight, my hair was lank and I didn’t know what a bandage dress was”) of such an overhaul.
The cheated wife could also be French about it and rise above the infidelity by engaging in a little intrigue of her own, like Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni, or Charles and Diana. “Don’t play victim,” urges author Kathy Lette. “Go and dance naked on a table with a toy boy.” Whether younger, richer or cleverer, it’s essential to trade up, says Symonds. “If your husband had the need to fall into the arms of another partner, you may need to cry on the younger, broader shoulders of another.”
She could be pragmatic, like the Duchess of Devonshire, and enjoy the fact that her spouse is still desired by others (“Of course people can have affairs in their marriages; how can you expect someone to have a lot of spunk if they don’t have a bit of life of their own?”).
The other option is to become one of the long line of cheated women in history to follow the “keep calm and carry on” precept. Typified by Jackie O (the First Lady turned a blind eye to JFK’s indiscretions), this unflappable brigade tends to come out best. Victoria Beckham has always refused to acknowledge her husband David’s alleged dalliance with Rebecca Loos, while Hillary Clinton got through her annus horribilis by adhering to the “duck method” (appearing serene while a frenzy of kicking goes on beneath the surface).
House-proud Pauline Prescott’s reaction to news that John had bedded his aide was to go ahead with a plan to have “a lovely loo put in my hall”, despite her husband’s suggestion she postpone the building work. “The photographers caught the plumber coming in with the loo,” she says in her autobiography, Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking. “And the headline was 'Everything’s going down the pan at the Prescotts’!”
It comes down to making your own decision about whether to stand by your man. “So many women are egged on by a coven of so-called friends who are unconsciously jealous,” says writer Mary Killen. “No one is asking the woman to put up with public humiliation but she should not let herself be a puppet of the public, the press or her girlfriends.
“In the celebrity world, it is never wrong to stand by your man,” adds Symonds, “especially if there is the chance of a book deal. Many showbiz marriages are a corporation from the start; more a 'merger’ than a marriage. The “merger wife” tends to know about her husband’s indiscretions, so her main focus – upon exposure – will be to gloss over them publicly. My advice to those who do stand by their man: make sure you make his life hell, while siphoning off enough of his money to be able to move on to a new – and better – life without him one day.”
Let’s face it. Milk is sexy. Why? It’s not because of the potassium and it’s not because you need it for strong bones. It’s because it is manufactured inside breasts. Another reason it’s sexy? It’s wet. Anything that is wet is sexy. I mean as long as it’s streaming down a hot chick’s leg or something.
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