10-minute relationship therapy

Do you always feel that your partner is to blame?

Dr David Burns is a cognitive therapist specialising in relationship management. In the third of a 10-week series, he offers advice on how to make troubled relationships work. This week: are you sure it's your partner's fault?

So who is more to blame for the problems you are having with your partner? Most people are convinced that the other person is to blame. When I ask for a show of hands at my intimacy workshops, 90 per cent of the people say it's the other person's fault.

But is it? There are lots of good reasons to blame the other person for the problems in your relationship. Blame is the atom bomb of intimacy, destroying everything that gets in its way. But it's far more productive to evaluate the reasons behind the problems instead.

You can do that with what I call a Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis. Draw a vertical line on a sheet of paper. Think about someone you're not getting along with. Now, in the left half of the page, list the advantages of blaming that person for your problems. It could mean, for example, that:

• You can look down on the other person.

• You can feel a sense of moral superiority.

• You won't have to feel guilty or examine your own role in the problem.

• You can play the role of victim and feel sorry for yourself.

• You won't have to change.

• You can try to get back at the other person; after all, he or she deserves it.

• You can be angry and resentful; anger is empowering.

• You won't have to feel guilty or ashamed.

• You can gossip about what a loser the other person is and get sympathy from your friends.

I'm sure you can think of a few other advantages.

When you're done, ask yourself if there are any disadvantages of blaming the other person. Is there a downside? For example, if you blame the other person:

• You'll feel frustrated and resentful because nothing will change.

• The other person will feel judged and insist that it's all your fault.

• The conflict will be demoralising and exhausting.

• You won't be able to get close to the other person.

• You won't experience any spiritual or emotional growth.

• People may get tired of your complaining.

• You won't experience any joy or intimacy because you'll be hopelessly enmeshed in the conflict.

Once you've completed your lists, think about how the lists balance out as a whole, using a 100-point scale. Assign the list that feels more compelling a number out of 100.

For example, if the advantages of blame seem a lot greater than the disadvantages, you could mark it with 70; you would then give the opposing column a mark out of 30. If the advantages and disadvantages of blame feel about the same, put a 50 on either side. The numbers you choose will be entirely up to you, but they should add up to 100.

You don't need to obsess about it. Just review your lists and then ask yourself whether the advantages or disadvantages of blame feel greater. It won't always be a matter of which list is longer. Sometimes one advantage will outweigh many disadvantages, or vice versa.

On your list, were the advantages or disadvantages of blame greater? If the advantages were greater, I'm afraid that I've got some bad news for you. In my clinical work, individuals who complained and blamed others for the problems in their relationships never seemed to get better. They just kept arguing and fighting with other people, no matter what therapy techniques I tried.

In contrast, individuals who focused on changing themselves, rather than blaming or trying to change the person they were at odds with, were usually able to work wonders in their relationships. In most cases, it didn't take long at all.

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